“Maybe it’s your own insecurities.”
Words from the story consultant, they were an epiphany to me. She suggested my insecurities might have stemmed from being a new parent, but I knew they ran deeper.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea? It’s kind of a career-killer, isn’t it?”
Words from a well-meaning neighbor, when I told him I was staying home with CJ. He’s a great guy, just a little old school. And I could tell by the look on his face, the idea of staying home with his kids while his wife brought home the paycheck was anathema to him.
I had certainly considered this before quitting my job. I was a well-paid consultant, but Sally was more well-paid. Because we were upper-middle-class, we could afford to have one of us stay home, without a significant impact on our lifestyle. Ironically, a stay-at-home parent has become a luxury item.
“[He]’s been a stay-at-home dad for years. What’s he going to do when he tries to go back into the workforce?”
Words from my mother, who, following her divorce from my father, and after 14 years as a stay-at-home mom, was forced to go back to work to support her 3 kids. In her early 40s, she started as an administrative assistant. Over the next 20 years, she negotiated with teamsters, steelworkers, and sexist bosses, ultimately retiring at 63 from an executive position at a public company.
She went back to work because she had to, but many women today face the inverse of what I was facing. If they choose to go back to work after having a child, they are asked, “Shouldn’t you be home with the kids?” They often feel guilt and insecurity because they choose to continue their careers.
“Dude’s a man-bitch. Takes care of the kid why she goes out and makes the money.” Drops (Method Man) -CSI “Drops’ Out”
Words from a hugely popular television show, spoken by a character who is the archetypal charming rogue. None of the main characters chided him for saying it, the line was meant to get a laugh.
By portraying the stay-at-home dad as an inept boob or a slovenly dunderhead, popular culture has yet to accept men as competent, capable caregivers.
“Mothers are natural nurturers. Fathers are not. It goes back to the hunter and gatherers type.” -Missouri State Representative Cynthia Davis
Words from an elected official, in an attempt to defend her bill that proposes a tax credit for stay-at-home moms, but not for stay-at-home dads.
Forget that the skeptic in me knows this to be utter nonsense, I find it incredibly amusing that a woman who believes “alternatives to evolution” should be taught in public school, would refer to “hunter and gatherers type” to support her argument. And apparently stay-at-home moms don’t escape her scorn either. According to the St Louis Post-Dispatch, in a committee hearing, “she suggested imagining a mother who stays at home — and ‘I hate to say it — but watches soap operas and eats bonbons all day,’ who might decide to pursue higher education because of this program.”
“You call yourself Mr. Mom. God calls you a bum.” -Reverend John Hagee
Words from a man of the cloth, whose church has nearly 20,000 members, and whose sermons are broadcast by over 200 radio and television stations around the country.
At least one major Presidential candidate sought Hagee’s endorsement in an effort to woo the large bloc of conservative Christians who are said to have won the 2004 election for Bush. John McCain ultimately repudiated the endorsement, but only after Hagee’s statements about Catholics, homosexuals, and Jewish people proved too poisonous for his campaign.
“Why go to work to earn money to give to someone else to raise my daughter?”
Words from me, when, after seeing my two-month-old in the hospital with an IV in her arm, I decided I was going to quit my job and stay at home to raise her.
I have never had a job that was more fun, more fulfilling, and at times, more exasperating than the one I have now. I have never regretted my decision, nor have I ever been ashamed of what I do. I love what I get to do.
But, when being assailed by a culture that questions my manhood, and at the same time my ability to be a nurturing parent, it’s hard not to feel a little insecure. My skepticism has been my armor.
Next post: A Theme Emerges
(cross-posted at domestic father)
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